^_^ I love this! I'm thinking maybe each time the light bulb is higher up so he has to pile more chairs up. The tension is built up in the audience thinking it's all going to topple so the final gag of the lights going out is more of a twist.
What I like about this story is the simple thru-line of it - BUT I suppose I find the use of the concert hall a bit dissatisfying, as you're making it synonymous with a theatre. Also, you've got your character as a juggler to begin with, but what if he was a one-man band (for example), who ends up having to juggle loads of instruments to keep the concert going? The point is that your character can assume the role as apportioned via those pesky brown envelopes in the service of the story. Right now - the concert hall environment is essentially neutral, and your juggler is a juggler; I'm just wondering if everything could be made to work a bit harder for you than this? (But - the clean thru-line, use of repetition and escalation are things you should keep hold of, because they are the stuff of classic one minute shorts).
^_^ I love this! I'm thinking maybe each time the light bulb is higher up so he has to pile more chairs up. The tension is built up in the audience thinking it's all going to topple so the final gag of the lights going out is more of a twist.
ReplyDeleteYeah! :)
ReplyDeleteHey Chrissie,
ReplyDeleteWhat I like about this story is the simple thru-line of it - BUT I suppose I find the use of the concert hall a bit dissatisfying, as you're making it synonymous with a theatre. Also, you've got your character as a juggler to begin with, but what if he was a one-man band (for example), who ends up having to juggle loads of instruments to keep the concert going? The point is that your character can assume the role as apportioned via those pesky brown envelopes in the service of the story. Right now - the concert hall environment is essentially neutral, and your juggler is a juggler; I'm just wondering if everything could be made to work a bit harder for you than this? (But - the clean thru-line, use of repetition and escalation are things you should keep hold of, because they are the stuff of classic one minute shorts).
This is really good chrissie! I agree, I like the repetition, and using more objects would build tension. I love where this is going though :)
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